woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The best revenge is premature balding
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
