During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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