dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
