Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
