you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
