community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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