So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
do herpes really smell.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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