I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
