I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
