By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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