Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
