Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
