I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
