watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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