There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
