Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
