He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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