I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
