I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
