if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
