I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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