Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
