He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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