I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
