life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
