When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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