if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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