dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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