from now on my penis is your penis
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
