She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
