I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
