Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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