i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
