Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
