just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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