Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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