he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Welp...herpes.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
