i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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