I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize