i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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