Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We don't watch enough power rangers
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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