Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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