my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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