I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
