today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
