Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
