WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
