Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
