I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i think i have two assholes
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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