Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
