it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
