During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
