we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
