I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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