woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
