i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
