I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
