i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
