You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i came on her dog
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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